Octopus: Sexiest Man Alive for 2020?


Melanie Kibler

Everyone knows about People’s Sexiest Man Alive awards that have come out each year since 1985, but they have missed the best candidate: Mr. Octopus.  No, this is not a new pop star’s weird name or the nickname of some bigger celebrity. I am talking about the cephalopod itself.

If you just look at the criteria that is used to decide the Sexiest Man Alive, the choice is clear.  People’s magazine doesn’t just look at who is the hottest person, but also who is “decent, intelligent, funny and talented.”  Obviously all the characteristics apply to the octopus.

First, let’s simply look at physical characteristics.  He has eight arms which is six more than the normal person.  Obviously the more arms a person has the stronger they are and strength is hot.  

Also he is able to camouflage, which is a very manly quality.  Just look at all the soldiers overseas. So obviously he meets the physical necessities that are needed.

Next, we need to see if the octopus is a decent individual.  I would argue that yes, an octopus is a decent individual. They don’t really mess with anyone, unless it is for food and they give big hugs. Seems like a pretty decent person by most standards.

  The third criteria is intelligence and anyone who knows an octopus would know that they are the smartest sea creature out there.  There have been stories of octopus escaping from their enclosures just to go find a snack.  

Also some scientists believe that octopi are so smart that they are able to dream.  This is a pretty rare thing for many animals, so yea, super smart. Finally, I heard that Mr. Octopus scored a 1630 on his SAT.  Yes, it’s ok to be impressed.

The fourth criteria is being funny.  Obviously octopi are funny, have you seen them?  But not just that they tell the BEST jokes. “Why did the octopus cross the road? To get to the other TIDE!!!”  See, hilarious.  You wish you could write jokes as funny as the octopus.

The final criteria is talent.  Now, everyone knows that Mr. Octopus is talented.  He is obviously the world’s best juggler. In fact, he is said to have juggled 27 starfish at a time.  He also is an actor, a chef, a musician, and a stand up comedian. I bet you didn’t know that and I bet you’re jealous.

In conclusion, the octopus should win People’s Sexiest Man Alive award and it’s very obvious why.

Hi guys, Melanie here, I just want to take a second to get a little more serious.  As you can planely tell this article was just meant to be a little bit of fluff in this harder time.  The topic itself came from an anonymous Snapchat user and I thought that it would be fun to write. I hope you are all staying safe and healthy.  Have a great day and try to get outside as much as you can(even if that is just going into the backyard).