Abe Susman

SAINT JOSEPH, MI – Last week, Evan Brown, in an attempt to play sports, attacked a tree. He, along with his other classmates, were at a spiritual retreat attempting to become closer to God when the attack took place. The events were excruciatingly painful for Brown but were described by bystanders as, “hilarious” and “classic comedy.”

Evan, who is has not been seen in days, had many words to say about the whole experience, including describing the injury as, “A big owie.” He also commented, “I just wanted to fight that tree and it hurt and I’m mad.”

Evan is reacting to his injury in a fairly normal way. He has started a political party that greatly resembles a cult. This calls for organization destruction of trees everywhere and will not stop until it’s goal is accomplished.

He currently only has one member, an 85 year old woman named Sally. When asked about it Sally replied,

“Well, the flyer said Tree Party, but I didn’t have my glasses so I thought it said Tea Party…Honestly, I’m scared to tell him the truth so I just decided to stay in the cu…I mean party.”

While Evan is currently missing, it is rumored that he has become a wildman and is roaming the cornfields of Berrien County attacking various folleige to no avail.

Evan’s organization is based on three tenants. It is these rules that, despite literally being the ravings of a mad man, Brown has decided to live by for the remainder of his sad, pathetic life.

It is important to me and the entire staff of The Laker Current that we do NOT endorse these rules, in fact we strongly suggest distancing yourself from them and their creator in every way possible.

Now that that is out of the way, the tenants are as follows:

  1. All trees are from the devil and must be attacked.
  2. Don’t be afraid to sacrifice your mind, soul and body to combat those icky trees.
  3. Friendship is the most important thing!

As you can see, he has clearly gone mad, or more likely his madness has manifested itself fully. So, in lieu of his addled state, we have come up with some tenants of our own in case of an encounter with Evan Brown. In order to fully protect yourself, you must follow these tenant toi the letter. Let’s get into them.

  1. Avoid wearing green and brown clothes.
  2. Do not pursue an interest in a group consisting of tea enthusiasts
  3. If you see Evan, do NOT make eye contact
  4. If you cannot avoid contact with him, speak using only shushing sounds and light grunts.
  5. A complicated dance involving grunts and arms flails may be necessary to distract him from the fact that trees still exist.
  6. If you finish off a gallon of milk, leave a note saying that a restock is necessary.

Well, now that you’ve been updated on the situation, use this knowledge to your advantage and stay safe out there. Bye!