Evan Brown

NAKATOMI PLAZA – As the holiday season rolls in, Christmas themed movies, music, and food take over the life of the average American. It is considered a time of joy for all men, women, and children; however, Christmas only brings joy to me in one way. To me, Christmas is the season of the greatest christmas movie of all time: Die Hard.

Die Hard is a 1988 action/thriller film starring Bruce Willis and Alan Rickman and directed by John McTiernan. Unlike the 2016 David Ayer film, Suicide Squad (more like Poo-icide Squad), Die Hard is amazing on every front.

I am painfully aware of the fierce debate on whether Die Hard should be considered a true Christmas movie, so, I’m going to use the immense power granted to me by my position as a journalist for the lakercurrent.org, to forever put the debate to rest.

For those not aware, thelakercurrent.org it is a very reputable news site for which I write many articles. In fact, I am currently writing one on why Die Hard is the best Christmas movie. Now, I am painfully aware of the fact that many people don’t consider Die Hard a Christmas movie, however, I intend to use all the power that being a journalist at thelakercurrent.org allows me to disprove that theory.

I digress. In order to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that Die Hard is the best Christmas movie of all time, I must first define a Christmas movie. So, after extensive research, (a single google search) here are the rules I found.

  1. The movie has to take place primarily around Christmas.
  2. Christmas must be intrical to the plot
  3. Christmas must be referenced throughout the plot
  4. The main character must be barefoot throughout the whole film.

So, let’s talk about it. I mean, not really. That’s not how reading works. What’s actually going to happen is I’m going to type into my magic writing box and then you will read it. So here we go. Adventure awaits or something.

Die Hard is set at Christmas. In fact, it is set at a Christmas party. There is nothing more I have to say about that. So quit asking me about it, you goof!

The film fills the second requirement fairly quickly because all the events of the movie wouldn’t happen without Christmas. The only reason McClain is in the the building is because he went to his wife’s office christmas party.  Also, near the end of the film, John McClain uses Christmas tape to tape his gun to his back, that is another Christmas thing. Christmas tape, not guns.

Hey, I would like to take this moment to apologize for being so rude earlier. I shouldn’t have called you a goof. That was rude and hurtful. You are not a goof. (Probably) I apologize.  

As for Christmas being referenced throughout the film, let me tell you, it happens. People say Merry Christmas, and tis the season. He kills a guy and writes “ho! ho! ho!, now I have a machine gun” on his sweater, which seems in poor taste. That guy probably has a family.

I have only just realized this now, and I probably should have thought of this before I wrote this article, but the fourth rule doesn’t apply. Every single person in the movie wears shoes. Not a single character even takes off their shoes in the entire film. There is a character named Argyle, and that is a kind of sock, so I guess that kind of counts. Well, maybe it’s not a Christmas movie. Sorry to waste your time. Good bye for now, but not forever. Kisses.