BOTTOM 10 MOVIES COMING OUT THIS YEAR (EVAN’S A NERD!)

(the following opinions are that of the article author and do not in any way reflect the opinions of Lake Michigan Catholic High School, The Laker Current, or its staff)

BOTTOM 10 MOVIES COMING OUT THIS YEAR (EVAN’S A NERD!)

Seth Collins

I would just like to begin by stating that Evan Brown is a big ol’ idiot and his advice should never be trusted.  That being said, movies are a thing.  Evan Brown claims to be an expert in this field but if there’s a degree on his wall, I have yet to see it.  Evan would have you believe that his opinion matters and that people are interested to hear which movies he finds meritorious.  To that I say… “EVAN IS DUMB!” So here’s my list of top ten films coming out this year that will be hot garbage and you should not even consider going to see in a theatre. This list is completely original and bares no relation to any list that may or may not have been compiled by one Evan Brown (who is an idiot).

  1. Bright

One thing I’ve always said is that I like my cops and goblins separate.  I can understand how people could have made this mistake, after all these two things are essential elements of cinema.  Just look at RIPD and Sam Raimi’s Spiderman.  But once mixed these elements become cinematic poison.  I have yet to see a single goblin cop movie starring Willard Smith and directed by David Ayer, that I genuinely enjoyed.

  1. All the money in the world

Hah, as if! I have a nickel in my pocket. Don’t even trip man.

  1. The Square

HE’S NOT A REAL MONKEY! WHY DOES HE THINK HE’S A MONKEY? I DON’T UNDERSTAND!

  1. Last Flag Flying

Honestly this bit that I’m doing where I just do the opposite of Evan’s article, is getting very difficult and I can’t think of anything satirically critical to say about this movie so I’m just going to redirect you to Evan. Evan Brown is the worst.

  1. The Demon’s Monkey

This film is produced by Michael Bay and M. Night Shyamalan, two people who have brought us nothing but disappointment and headaches since Unbreakable/The Rock.  Also the director, Henry J. Johnston, is a first time director which gives me no confidence in this project. It is based on the 1964 film of the same name which was a masterpiece. To me this is one of those projects that no one should touch. Topping or even living up to the original movie will be practically impossible.  This film guarantees disappointment and is better off left alone.

  1. Thor: Ragnarok

Marvel Movies thus far have built a brilliant and wonderfully consistent structure that everyone knows and loves. The last thing I want to see is the violation of this structure. With Taika Waititi as the director this film seem destined for that course. His track record is filled with unique and unorthodox indie comedies. After seeing the trailer for this film, his diretor for the project was made clear. Keep all superhero movies the same!

  1. 78/52 Hitchcock’s Shower Scene.  

This one just baffles me, a movie consisting only of one scene?! Who’s idea was this?  The whole movie is gonna be four minutes with credits which will consist of Janet Leigh, another person, a knife, water, and ketchup.  I am even further baffled by how they got Alfred Hitchcock to direct. His career must have really gone down hill.

  1. Three Billboards Outside of Ebbing, Missouri

Have you ever been to Missouri? It’s boring and dumb.  Take it from a guy who has driven the whole length of this state multiple time, there is nothing remotely interesting.  The arch is fascinating for about the 5 seconds it takes for you to realize that it’s just an incomplete McDonalds logo! I’m on to you Missouri!

  1. Shape of Water

This film does not have me fooled! I’ve cracked their shape puzzle. Water is liquid! It can be any shape! Put it in a water balloon and its round.  Put it in a box and it’s square. Put it in a coconut and it tastes gross and for some reason is white! What’s the deal?! Why is it called water? Why not milk?! Or even juice?!  For the record Almond Joys are also gross.

  1. Boo 2: A Madea Halloween  

Okay I’m not gonna lie, this one actually looks pretty great.  Ten out of ten.  Go see it.  It’ll be great.  Best movie of the year.

That’s the end of this. I would like to close by stating that all of this is completely irrelevant due to the fact that movies do not exist. You heard it here first. Then end.