Evan Brown

SYBERIA – Once again the corporate machine has thrust the concept of commercialism upon us by taking a beloved family franchise and shoving it down our throats until the very sight of it makes us vomit, all for the sake of maximizing profits. The Disney Corporation, founded by notorious anti-semite and bigot, Walt Disney, has greenlit a new trilogy of Star Wars films.

The trilogy will be spearheaded by Star Wars: The Last Jedi director, Rian Johnson. Johnson will write and direct the first film of the trilogy, along with consulting on and producing the remaining two.

Lucasfilm released a statement saying, that they were immensely proud of Star Wars: The Last Jedi and that putting Rian Johnson in charge of creating a new trilogy, free of the Skywalker storyline, is the right decision to make.

Keep in mind that in this instance, he will almost certainly be “creating” this new trilogy in a boardroom, void of any creative substance and full of faceless, pennypinching executives.

Recent history has shown that any director on a big studio film that tries anything outside the feverishly bland blockbuster movie formula will either be fired and replaced immediately, or forced to reshoot the film extensively until any heart or substance is sucked dry (Miller and Lord, Josh Trank, Edgar Wright, Gareth Edwards, Steven Soderbergh and countless others).

Michael “Pichael” Johnston has a deep love for Star Wars and this has been the case since he was a wee little babe.

“Recently, Disney has been guilty of infusing its movies with progressive ideology, modern social models and rhetoric, which is not what we go to the theater to see. We go to see Star Wars, a clear battle of good vs evil. This new iteration quite frankly disgusts me and I will rise up to see everyone involved in it burn in a smolder of ash.”

The point is, art is dead. Corporate America has taken over. We live in a world run by business and true man made beauty no longer exists. So go home, sit in your bed, and cry until you cannot cry anymore. Or don’t. It’s up to you.

This article was sponsored Dreamworks. Get Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie on dvd and blu-ray in stores now.